Please help profapper-senpai, include proper hand positioning a swell as hand motion, and whether it's best to use left or right hand.(Need as much detail as possible)

Step 1. Slowly take off your pants. Ensure that it's slow, or else you may give yourself carpet burns in the process. Do realize that, unlike the rest of your body, your "organ" has not undergone any training.
Step 2. Position your hand at the base of your "organ" and tighten your grip starting from your pinky upwards. While tightening, your pinky should be perfectly perpendicular with the base prior to you tightening the grip. Ensure that you do not grip it too hard, for it will explode if you do.
Step 3. Begin stroking. Stroking too quickly will cause you to rip your "organ" off. Settle at the leisurely pace of 700 strokes a second. Anything above 5000 strokes a second will cause pain, while anything under 500 will not cause the desired result.
Step 4. ???
Step 5. Profit.