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How to be a WINNER at this game!

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How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Khaos Muffins » 14 Jul 2016, 21:26

This is a really sarcastic as hell guide so I hope you have a sense of humor.

Well start off with the baby steps because no dinosaur starts off as a Fappasaurus Rex.
Pick your weapon.

Sword: Do you want to be that shinnigami from the overrated anime Bleach? Well sure! Pick your sword and scream out "Bankai!" as the surrounding people will look at you with "what the fuck?" faces. Only true animu fans would understand your choice. Other than that, this is just a your typical go to class with no real specialty.

Odachi: Newsflash people, it's romanization is actually "oodachi". Don't bother trying to say that it only has one 'o' because your WRONG (大太刀). Now this class of weapon is great for shoving up your long throbbing weapon up your enemies as it IS a massive sword. Want to slap Youkai around with a giant electrifying penis? Then make a Catastrophy! Want to send your "holy energy" into another? Make the L. Catastrophy! Don't worry, you wont receive a sin for that act. In all seriousness, its just a huge fucking sword.

Spear: It's a long hard stick with some sharpened steel at the end! I also know many long hard sticks but without the steel. Want play this game with NO SKILL? Just spam Water Dragon Spear! With that class you'll be that true tank class that doesn't exist because everything can fuck you up faster than you can come up with a counter argument that there is a foolproof tank class! Note: Tanking in other MMOs = taking forever to die. "tanking" in Onigiri = taking 10 hits (or less) and dropping dead.

Axe: It's huge! It's big! It's brolic as fuck! Want to walk around slow as cow with no legs? Pick the axe as this massive pile of garbage makes you weigh tons (or kilos). On the plus side, you'll slice through everything! Want to be OP? Throw on Double Edge Cut and stay at 1 HP.... Goddammit it got nerfed. Never mind. The bigger the better as they say. The strongest melee class in this game.

Staff: Yup. You're just support. If you really want to give yourself a challenge then go with a 100% staff build. Other than that, everyone has one of these just to buff everyone. No Ressurection VII skill? Great! You're useless! No viable Invigorate/ Meditation? You're also useless!

Bow: Wanna be that bastard Robin Hood? You can with this weapon. Shit on everything from afar while having low HP is just amazing! Want to have NO SKILL and shit on everything regardless (that's not strong against holy element)? Spam Amaya's Punishment! Always remember that a gun will always beat a bow. One of the easiest weapons if used correctly.

Twin Sword (oh god): You know that black haired shit called Kirito? Well YOU can be just like that fag with your DUAL SWORDS. HOLY SHIT IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE! Now if you just name yourself something with 'Kirito' then rest assured as you will be on EVERYONE's blacklist! Can't find an Asuna in game? Well you wont find one in real life either. Simple class just like sword.

Wand: Want to be a bloody mage? Sure! Pick this class but sadly we don't have robes or mage-like hats for you. Still the most OP weapon in this game and one of the hardest to use at first. Spam fireballs like a n0owb since they have little to no cool down at all! Be useless with your little glass cannon self because that's really what you are. Want to shoot HOLY BALLS OF ENERGY at the Youkai? No problem! Just slap on Bright Homing and spray! Pros: Fireballs, ice balls and electric balls. Cons: Everything else.

Dont like any of these classes? We'll don't be a bitch and just pick one or find a new game.
Hybrids? No problem! Have fun struggling (except if you're doing wand/oodachi or you're Kogitsune Yume)
(Profanity count up to this point: 8)

SWORD Because size 200 font was clearly necessary.

Alright people, so you picked the sword. Good for you! Let's go over on how to throw your status points and make your ass Bape-level STRONG. Do you hate math? Well you'll need your counting skills for this one.
Throw every single status point into POW. Why not VIT? Use your eyes and brains dipshits. VIT doesn't give you sword affinity. Who needs HP when you can kill with skills? Dying in the early stages? Don't use a revive, START OVER moron. 2.0x EXP SS rank is what you need in the early stages. Your Oni's Dagger is your baby. Treat that shit with care. You can carry yourself all the way past Kyouto (京都). Fuck support, you dont need them yet. What's that? You want to throw away your Oni's Dagger? Ha ha I can hear C$ laughing in the distance. You CANT. You might as well commit senppuku to rid you self of that garbage. "But you said it was my baby..." Well not anymore! Once you have your Pow maxed out, throw some status points into MND stat because by that time you're probably tired of slowly dragging your ass in the dirt and might as well have emptied out your walled for some C$ Pennies. Assuming you got yourself some SPEED (Rapid Storm) you need 40 mind to cast that shit go get leveling. Also assuming you're past Sekigahara by this point and probably bought at least 500 OC (and got nothing useful), slapped on a bunch of ougi on your weapons and thought you were the shit, You might as well start grinding out new weapons. "What about the rest of the status points?" Sorry, you probably dont have that much to spare but if you really want to know then balance out DEX and Mind so you get the most crit out of it. 12 DEX = 24 MND = 1 crit! Do the math, Einstein . But you really want to have at least a TOTAL 100 DEX for cool down cut. "But what about vit..." Fuck that shit you don't need HP from there. Need weapons? Go on the Wiki and search up Golden Weapon Hunt. You can get easy weapons for cheap Ryou there.

ALRIGHT. Now you got your hard earned status points put in, let's go over the skills. Note that ranks I-IV are absolute SHIT and you dont want garbage on your weapons. Use SHITshitsune's skill leveling while smelting to get better skill levels. Rank V-VII are what you really need.

Chain Counter:
Garbage. It's basically you're shield and counter attack. Can only be found on Blood Rapier series.

Collapsing Blade:
Trash unless you have the following: Datenryuu Cloud Cleaver - Night Sky, Regular and Mephisto weapon series or you're a goddamn Bleach character impostor

Crimson Sword/ Phoenix Slash:
Eh. 2-4 skill combo but you're probably not going to get all four hits (for Rank VII) in before a Youkai slaps you and sprays with his CATASTOPHY

Dancer's Strike:
Eh if you like to hit n' run. Other than that you'll just leap right back into a wall and get fucked.

Double Edge Cut:
The wanna-be axe version. Dog shit unless you like to be at low HP as a sword user.

Empty Sky Slash/ Spirit Empty Sky Slash/ Holy Empty Sky Slash:
The wanna-be Odachi version. I like it though. Holy shit he actually likes a sword skill!

Grim Strike/ Sacred Strike:
Read the above statement, but throw away the last two sentences.

Icicle Massacre:
In a nutshell, 2-3 slashes and on the last slash you fire off Frost Glaive (wand skill). Useful on Ice Gargoyle

Lightning Slash:
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Lunge Step:
Love this. You can even use it for transportation! Otherwise a sword user's best friend (non-Ougi)

Sacrifice:
Dog penis. I dont know why you'd ever use this now that Chiami has been nerfed and staying at low HP without 105 Magatama is retarded (welcome to the internet)

Tornado Drop:
Your only (non-ougi) AoE attack for swords... Its 100x better than the above skill. Useful on Fire Gargoyle.

Void Slash/ Void Lightning Slash:
Just rename this to Stabby McStabby. It's all you do.

Blue Fang Blade.

Your only non-ougi ranged skill.


I should stop before this thread gets locked. Will continue later...
Last edited by Khaos Muffins on 17 Jul 2016, 14:10, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Miyano311 » 14 Jul 2016, 23:25

So much sarcasm. Almost died of laughter XD.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Rainmaker » 15 Jul 2016, 06:47

This got a good chuckle out of me. Looking forward to your guide on utilizing the combat prowess of our partners that we encounter along the way.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Heimarmene » 15 Jul 2016, 17:51

Khaos Muffins wrote:This is a really sarcastic as hell guide so I hope you have a sense of humor.

Well start off with the baby steps because no dinosaur starts off as a Fappasaurus Rex.
Pick your weapon.

Sword: Do you want to be that shinnigami from the overrated anime Bleach? Well sure! Pick your sword and scream out "Bankai!" as the surrounding people will look at you with "what the fuck?" faces. Only true animu fans would understand your choice. Other than that, this is just a your typical go to class with no real specialty.

Odachi: Newsflash people, it's romanization is actually "oodachi". Don't bother trying to say that it only has one 'o' because your WRONG (大太刀). Now this class of weapon is great for shoving up your long throbbing weapon up your enemies as IS a massive sword. Want to slap Youkai around with a giant electrifying penis? Then make a Catastrophy! Want to send your "holy energy" into another? Make the L. Catastrophy! Don't worry, you wont receive a sin for that act. In all seriousness, its just a huge fucking sword.

Spear: It's a long hard stick with some sharpened steel at the end! I also know many long hard sticks but without the steel. Want play this game with NO SKILL? Just spam Water Dragon Spear! With that class you'll be that true tank class that doesnt exist because everything can fuck you up faster than you can come up with a counter argument that there is a foolproof tank class! Note: tanking in other MMOs = taking forever to die. "tanking" in Onigiri = taking 10 hits (or less) and dropping dead.

Axe: It's huge! It's big! It's brolic as fuck! Want to walk around slow as cow with no legs? Pick the axe as this massive pile of garbage makes you weigh tons (or kilos). On the plus side, you'll slice through everything! Want to be OP? Throw on Double Edge Cut and stay at 1 HP.... Goddammit it got nerfed. Nevermind. The bigger the better as they say. The strongest melee class in this game.

Staff: Yup. You're just support. If you really want to give yourself a challange then go with a 100% staff build. Other than that everyone has one of these just to buff everyone. No Ressurection VII skill? Great! You're useless! No viable Invigorate/ Meditation? You're also useless!

Bow: Wanna be that bastard Robin Hood? You can with this weapon. Shit on everything from afar while having low HP is amazing! Want to have NO SKILL and shit on everything (that's not strong against holy element)? Spam Amaya's Punishment! Always remember that a gun will always beat a bow. One of the easiest weapons if used correctly.

Twin Sword (oh god): You know that black haired shit called Kirito? Well YOU can be just like that fag with your DUAL SWORDS. HOLY SHIT IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE! Now if you just name yourself something with 'Kirito' then rest assured as you will be on EVERYONE's blacklist! Can't find an Asuna in game? Well you wont find one in real life either.

Wand: Still the most OP weapon in this game and one of the hardest to use at first. Spam fireballs like a n0owb since they have little to no cool down at all! Be useless with your little glass cannon because that's really what you are. Want to shoot HOLY BALLS OF ENERGY at the Youkai? No problem! Just slap on Bright Homing and spray!

Dont like any of these classes? We'll dont be a bitch and just pick one or find a new game.
Hybrids? No problem! Have fun struggling (except if you're doing wand/odachi or you're Kogitsune Yume)

Stay tuned for part 2 and I hoped you liked my humor :3


Wasn't the Catastrophy was a drop from Satan? I kinda remember it cuz I was like "so the Catastrophy is what you get when you lop off Satan's dick from his dead body and then wave it around like a sword"

And I feel bad for being a wand player now :c
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Khaos Muffins » 17 Jul 2016, 13:27

Heimarmene wrote: And I feel bad for being a wand player now :c

Don't worry, Wand is the master race :3
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Miyano311 » 17 Jul 2016, 19:54

Khaos Muffins wrote:
Icicle Massacre:
In a nutshell, 2-3 slashes and on the last slash you fire off Frost Glaive (wand skill). Useful on Ice Gargoyle

Also useful when you want to choke Satan and get Catastrophy.
Last edited by Miyano311 on 19 Jul 2016, 07:22, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Zanaris » 18 Jul 2016, 12:07

Just finished watching SAO and can confirm playing TS is exactly like kirito lmfao GJ
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Heimarmene » 19 Jul 2016, 03:50

Khaos Muffins wrote:
Heimarmene wrote: And I feel bad for being a wand player now :c

Don't worry, Wand is the master race :3



:c doesn't feel like it at all. I'm getting my backside kicked by everything from Satan to a crab that crawled straight out of one piece.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Khaos Muffins » 19 Jul 2016, 18:21

Heimarmene wrote::c doesn't feel like it at all. I'm getting my backside kicked by everything from Satan to a crab that crawled straight out of one piece.


Shoot fireballs from afar and run around with Moon King. Like i said, you're basically a glass cannon.
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Re: How to be a WINNER at this game!

Postby Khaos Muffins » 19 Jul 2016, 18:26

Zanaris wrote:Just finished watching SAO and can confirm playing TS is exactly like kirito lmfao GJ

Kirito waking up after leaving SAO: "FUCK! I'm still a virgin!"
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